Let’s face it: there’s no escaping people who push our buttons. And most often, we deal with them with less grace and more frustration than we’d like. Here are three ways to shift the balance so that you find it easier to let these people’s actions slide off your back.
1. Think like an anthropologist
This is the critical first step. If you can think of someone you just don’t like, or who consistently irritates you, you’re hooked. To get unhooked, you have to change your habitual way of thinking.
One way I like to frame this is to take an anthropological perspective. When interacting with a difficult person, imagine that you are a cultural anthropologist observing behaviors that are new to you. This allows you to be curious, to notice patterns, to wonder what’s going on. It may also be useful to consider the whole situation as an opportunity to learn something that may serve you in the future. Both of these approaches help you get more distance from the situation.
I used the anthropologist technique with someone who was part of a group work project that involved periodic meetings. I’ll call him Josh. He drove me nuts by frequently interrupting meetings with subtle criticisms of the way things were being run, the way systems and materials had been set up, and his own ideas of what should be done.
It wasn’t until I put on my anthropologist hat that I was able to see the pattern: Josh’s interactions and criticisms came up whenever he noticed something that could be better. Imperfection seemed to be so disturbing to him that it was as if he couldn’t stop himself from interrupting with improvements.
Throughout one whole meeting, I observed what he did and how it affected the group. This gave me just a little more separation from my own reactions. I realized that his criticisms were directed at multiple people, not just at me, so I could take it less personally. It became his issue, not mine.
2. Explore compassion
The anthropological approach alone may not be enough. The next step is to practice compassion as you observe the patterns, the triggers, and the person’s responses. For example, with Josh, I started to think about how hard it must be to have that intense need for perfection. I also noticed (as we often do when we examine these things a little more deeply) that part of what annoyed me was that I have that perfectionistic tendency too. I thought the meetings could have been run better too—but I’m too polite to say so.
This led to the insight that Josh was trying, in his own way, to help. He wasn’t self-aware enough to notice that he was often having the opposite impact from what he intended. But in fact, Josh had some good ideas. He was also frequently the first person to volunteer for a task, even the dull ones. This shift, to recognizing his good intent, helped reduce my reactivity to Josh and increase my appreciation for him.
3. Lean in
This last step is the hardest and most radical. If you’re still stuck in frustration and reactivity to someone, do the thing that is farthest from your mind: lean in. Reach out to the person. Connect with them one-on-one. Talk about things unrelated to work. Find things about them that are interesting, even admirable. Allow them to become a full person to you, not just an irritant.
Years ago, I was the project manager for a project that crossed several departments in my organization. Eleanor, the lead from one of the other departments, was immensely challenging. It wasn’t just me who thought so—other people sought me out to tell me how hard she was to work with. She was critical, judgmental, and phrased her criticism in passive-aggressive ways so that it felt as if there were a subtle dig in nearly everything she said.
I reached a point where I went to my boss to tell him I needed to quit working on the project. Being a wise man, he said, “Why don’t you take the weekend to think about it?”
I did, and realized that I loved the project and didn’t want to let this stop me. So I did the only thing I could think of. I reached out to Eleanor. We had coffee. We discovered that we lived in the same neighborhood. She was eager to hear about my young children, since hers were older. I found out how much she loved her work.
I won’t say Eleanor and I became friends. But she softened. She became less critical. At the end of the project, she had everyone to her house for a celebratory barbecue.
I can’t promise that these steps will work in every case. But using them will strengthen your ability to step outside of the cycle of reaction and frustration. And sometimes, your own small shift sends up sparking a bigger change in how those around you show up.